When you left......

Today will be 42 days since you walked out the door. That's a 6 weeks or 992 hours and 27 minutes (at the time I'm writing this). You were supposed to come home. You had dinner on the smoker and a car project with G. We had a closet to clean out and windows to install at the cabin. Window trim, oil changes, go kart tuning, painting & fabricating, building & teaching, fishing + smoking & canning, hikes & evening walks, sanding & priming and so much more.

The list of projects has always been enormous in my eyes but you seemed to thrive when you were busy. You handled the list and made it look easy. You were never bored. Never sat still for long. You knew everything I didn't and if by some fluke you didn't know how to do something you found tutorials, online groups, forums, videos - whatever it took to figure it out.

You took the time to teach our boys not just about cars and trucks but about how to be a good human, to quietly show up, to do the right thing, to care deeply, to be resourceful, to create with their hands, to make memories and to lean on one another. I don't know if I told you enough that you were and will always be the best dad to our boys. The the time you spent with them individually and all together is what will get them through this.

From the day we met you were the yin to my yang. I tried like hell to get you to walk away those first few days. But something between us just clicked. Like we had known each other forever. Even then I knew you were my One & done. My forever. My person. We did life as a team and even though people around us didn't understand it we moved swiftly & confidently in almost every aspect of our 20 years together. It was one of our super powers.

You were my calm. The noise in my head could be deafening but the second you wrapped your arms around me the world just went quiet. It was just you and me and I knew whatever was going on outside of us would be ok because we would face it together.

When you left that day, in a hurry because you were needed at work, I remember asking you to just stay home. You were on vacation! Just one time could you say no to being called in? You told me they needed your help. And, just like you had done every other time in the past 17 plus years you showed up. You worked hard. You were dedicated.

It's been 42 days. Some moments it feels as though you just walked out the door and I keep expecting you to walk back through. And other moments it feels like we have been walking in quick sand for forever trying to get to you but you are always just out of reach. I've been told over and over that time will heal the hurt. I think that's bullshit. Time isn't going to heal this hole in my heart. Time doesn't change what has happened. Rather time will give us capacity to remember more good things which will start to make this awful tragedy more manageable.

Speaking of grief. I keep telling our boys and your mom that there is no wrong way to grieve. If they are angry - be angry. If they are sad - be sad. If they find joy - sit in that joy. The reality is that I will never be able to fully understand the boys grief or your mothers. Nor will they be able to fully understand mine. You were something different to each of us. A father, a son and my ride or die soulmate. The thing we can understand is how much we love you. And how much you loved each of us.

Until we meet again.....xoxoxo Sarah