Finding strength in the hard

Another month without you is coming to an end and still my heart and brain cannot seem to agree on our current reality. There are days that pass quickly and with less pain - I call those my numb days. Then there are the days that drag on and on, where the pain feels so physically there that I'm sure I might be dying right along with you. On those days - the really freaking hard days the only thing that keeps me upright is our boys. The deep understanding that I am the parent that is left, the keeper of the memories and moments, the one that will try again and again to bring magic & love to everything. Who will inevitably fail again and again. But will stand back up because it's what is required.

I was not, am not, prepared to do this without you. And yet I will.

Part of finding strength comes from being willing to participate in living again so,

I have spent the last few weeks trying new things to attempt to spark just a little life back into these bones. Some have been epic flops and some have great potential and some give me hope:

- Traveling - too much anxiety associated with it to actually enjoy it at this time.

- Reading a physical book - have had some success but a lot of failure. I tend to gravitate towards the audio books right now.

- Sourdough GF - was definitely fun and tasty but my oh my the patience and attention needed are not realistic right now. Will definitely come back to this one!

- Basic pottery throwing class - LOVED it so I signed up for 2 more classes.

- Went back to work but somewhere new - Everyone has been so kind! Feeling Excited & Exhausted + I can feel my brain waking up to more than just daily survival <3.

It is a mind bending journey towards healing. If I were to follow in the steps assigned to me by society the guilt and anger would eat me alive. The guilt that I am still here witnessing our greatest achievements in our boys. Holding space for growing pains while offering tidbits of wisdom or experience. The anger that life has gone on and the unthinkable - people have already forgotten your ultimate sacrifice. That we are expected to "be over it" or the confusion + discomfort when we express pain & grief. I have become an observer more than not, not so quick to join a conversation or to share my thoughts. And truthfully taking away the requirement of myself to expend that kind of participatory energy is part of healing. Reserving energy for what matters most to .........me and for our boys.

It's been 7 months, 5 days since you left us. Both the blink of an eye and an eternity. I can only assume it will feel like this for a very long time. It's the price of loving you, of having built this life together. Even if I had know how it was going to turn out - I still would have gone on that first date, still would have said yes and still would have chosen us again and again. I regret nothing of our life before your death. I miss you. I love you. I'm trying to make you proud.

xoxoxoxo Sarah