There are seven stages of grief. At least that is what most people, books & podcasts say. I'm sure if you break it down and measure the shifts it's probably pretty accurate.
It's also quite deceiving. When you say seven stages of grief it sounds as though you will work through them in a neat and tidy process.
Stage 1 - Shock & Disbelief. ✅.
Stage 2 - Denial. ✅
Stage 3 - Anger. ✅
Stage 4 - Bargaining. ✅
Stage 5 - Depression. ✅
Stage 6 - Reconstruction. ✅
Stage 7 - Acceptance. ✅
That seems doable. Sucky but doable. Just work the list and you will suddenly feel better. Right?
Wrong. So very effing wrong. It's not a tidy list to do in order. It's not quick or even manageable most days. Oh yeah and you will circle round and round through these "stages" sometimes within minutes of each other. Often daily. Well in my case stages 1 through 5 at least. I haven't hit 6 or 7 yet. I can't even imagine ever working through them if I'm being honest. Those 2 feel like forgetting or moving on or letting go. No thanks.
So back to those stages - now I can only speak from my own personal experience and that which has been shared with me by my family. Shock lasts a really long time.....I'm still in shock I think. We are all still in shock. How does one make sense of something so senseless? Our person, walked out the door with every intention of coming home to us later that night. But the unthinkable happened and he didn't. Time seems frozen into 2 moments. The moment he left and the moment I realized he wasn't coming back. The brain is pretty incredible and will work really hard to protect you. So much so that I still expect him to walk through the door. I still hear a truck and think "oh Sean's home!" I still drive by Streets and look for his truck. I still reach for his drink or snack at the grocery store. I still hear the ding on my phone and think he's text me. For a moment I can pretend that this is just a really bad dream and that I'm going to wake up any moment and see him next to me. God I wish that were true.
So shock is still hanging out 58 days later. It's kindred spirit is denial. Man denial is one hell of a tool. It gives your heart and your mind just a fleeting moment of rest, enough time to be able to smash into the anger and depression that usually follow. Or maybe it's the other way around? Maybe the denial is to protect our brain and heart so that we don't shatter in the rage & utter darkness that can consume us completely. It doesn't really matter which comes first because they just keep coming back.
Bargaining has been an interesting one......when your brain is working forwards, backwards & sideways to try and change the past. Maybe I just haven't truly jumped into this one. Mostly I'm trying to think of a million scenarios where he doesn't leave or where he isn't on that road or where we aren't even in town. As if by rewriting the story will physically turn back time and bring him back. I've tried to rewrite it at least a thousand times.....every time it ends the same and I'm slapped in the face with reality. Fucking brutal.
Depression is an old friend. We've been together for 32 years at least. I've spent most of those years banishing it. Taking a medication or exercising or going to therapy to bring the volume to a hushed background noise. I've gotten pretty good at keeping it at bay but now it's being sneaky and underhanded. Waiting for my guard to be down in defeat and holding me hostage to a darkness that feels impenetrable . These are the days where showering is a herculean effort. Where I hit ignore if my phone rings or I just turn it off all together. Where thinking coherently seems impossible and there is a dull ache in my head that advil doesn't touch. This is when therapy helps. Meditations, tapping, box breathing, counting or any number of other things I've learned. They don't kick it to the curb but they get me through the day so that I can fall into bed praying that tomorrow is anger or denial.
I don't really know why I felt the need to type this out other than it's a form of therapy in itself. To share these moments in the hopes that one detail helps another human OR that my brain can confirm that I'm not alone. Or broken. Or experiencing grief wrongly. Rather this is a human experience and there is not 'right' way to walk this road. Somedays will require less effort and will be ok. Others will require me to dig deep to show up for my kids and myself.
I want to close out with this thought - when someone is going through any or all phases of their grief whether it's been 58 days or 5 years or 25 years, the grief is still real. It still stops you in your tracks. It still catches you off guard. It still hurts so very badly. If you are someone grieving a loss - I see you and I'm sending you love. If you know someone grieving - don't be afraid of the big feelings. Check on them with a quick text. Say their loved ones name. Share a story if you knew them. Hold space for that person who is grieving. That can look like dropping off coffee on their porch. Texting "Love you. This sucks. I'm here." Inviting them for a walk or to just sit in silence and hold the tissues. You don't need to fix it or have answers - you can't and there aren't any.
Fires: Hardship, Grief and Perseverance. A collection of poetry by Ullie-Kaye
xoxoxo Sarah
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