A letter to you.

Another week has passed. Another week where I keep expecting you to walk through the door until I remember that it's not possible. Another week of having my heart and my head at war with one another. My heart clinging to the hope that this is all just a terrible fucking nightmare. That I will wake up and you will be working on a project in the garage or taking out the trash or heading out for a coffee run.

My head knows that those days are over and that I have memories but there is no tomorrow with you alive & well. It's a brutal space to live in so I float between that and denial and for good measure I throw in a day of rage. It's almost like I can count on the schedule of grief......if today was full of tears and deep pain then tomorrow brings denial and the fog so that I don't entirely crumble. The rage days are the hardest because I'm mad at everyone.....even you. Except it's not mad it's desperation for a different ending to our story. One that cannot be rewritten.

Our boys. They are resilient and amazing. They are also devastated. School is not a priority in my eyes for our younger two. I give them the autonomy to decide for themselves when they attend and when they stay home. Someone recently said "they haven't been in school for over 5 weeks" as though that was sufficient time to "get over" this incredibly heartbreaking loss. I responded with the reality that "I am in my 40's and I cannot function some days. How in the hell are they supposed to go to school and concentrate?" So even though I know you would want them to get back to a routine I know you would also want to ensure that they are ok first. Day by day we take stock of what their heads and hearts hold and decide. They miss you so much. W & K find distraction in work and with friends. W has been traveling but still calls home every few days to check on the boys and me. K ended up with a very painful and scary week after he lifted a box and then couldn't move....one ambulance ride and overnight in the ER it turns out he has sciatica nerve pain. It was awful and scary. He's on the mend now.

So how are we coping with life lately? :

Well P got his turtle and named him Flash. G got a lizard named Larry and I got a kitten named Sofia. Everyone snuggles with Miss Sofia because she can be so chill and calming. Don't be fooled though she can also become crazy and zooms around the house playing tag & hide and seek. She brings smiles and laughter to our days & nights.

Oh and I got my first tattoo......then a second one. So did K. He and I got our 2nd ones together. They didn't hurt as bad as I was sure they would! You were the inspiration for them. <3.

Let's see what else? I started cooking again.....P tells me all the time that he likes your cooking best and is so mad that I don't have your recipes memorized. He will only eat steak if W makes it the way you taught him. It's a sweet bond they have.

I quit my job.....it's not permanent but it's necessary right now. I'm not in a place mentally or emotionally to do origination work that is so important. I value my customers too much to do a poor job and I know that I don't have the capacity to take a good & thorough application or review tax returns and the million other things each loan takes.....most importantly I don't have the capacity to make my customers a priority every single day. I won't do that to people when they are making one the biggest financial commitments of their lives. They deserve the best.

Your mom planted a hydrangea we were gifted. Our monkey puzzle trees are not going to make it...... the boys want to go back to Oregon to get another one. I'm not sure I can go there again without you. We have so many memories on the Oregon Coast. I guess it's good I don't have to decide today.

It's a weird thing to see life going on for everyone around us while ours feels frozen in time. People have weddings and baby showers and promotions at work or holiday parties. Meanwhile we are here living this day on repeat. Playing it over and over in our heads and trying to change the outcome. "I wish I could turn back time" becomes a motto of sorts while we internally think of ways you would have stayed home. Then reality shows up and we know that you wouldn't have stayed home because you were needed at work and you were dedicated.

So instead I want you to know that we are proud of your work ethic. We are proud of your ability to figure anything, any situation out. Of the way you loved your family. The way you took care of you mom. The way your mentored our boys. The ways you supported me in my wild and audacious dreams even when you didn't understand them. The way you showed up and did the right thing over and over. I know I'm a little lost & scared right now.....I'm working on it. Day by day. And we will get there.....on our time.

Love you and miss you so much. Until we meet again.

xoxoxoxo Sarah